Ask Koots
He's raped and pillaged Scotland, Ireland and the 'Gong. It's rumoured that the wiring of his brain is the basis of the Internet and that he hooked up with Ireland's wild Miss Universe entrant while drinking pints of Guinness that were in each of his gigantic paws (thus simulataneously debunking the idea theory that hand and penis size are related). He's become known as the Viking, his parents once called him James Cayley, but you can call him Koot's.
He's Riptide's new columnist and he's here to answer your questions. All you have to do is submit your question to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or put it in a comment below and Kooty will bestow his wisdom on you. Plus, all printed questions go in the running to win a brand new BluePrint Board from the good folk at 4Play.
Here's a couple of questions from Riptide #182 to kick things off:I’ve long wished to have a ruggedly manly beard like yours, Koots, how do I grow such impressive facial wool?
— Ben, Central Coast.
Luckily for me, I was born with this thing. Due to my extremely small baby-sized penis, it was actually the identifying feature used by the doctor in establishing my sex. That being said, I’m shit out of ideas to help you with your dreams of a manly beard – sorry. However, all hope is not lost. There’s an old man, 43 to be precise, that goes by the name of Big Dav. This bloke once had a lush head of hair, until his mop failed to stand the test of time. Night after night he cried himself to sleep, hoping for a cure. He found that cure in the form of ROGAINE®, a magical treatment cream for the many balding men of the world. For any further information, there’s the manufacturer's website, although you'd probably be better off just emailing This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it with the subject heading 'G’day ROGAINE’.
My mate has a smoking hot sister, should I go there?
— Sam, Sydney.
Is this even a question? Not only would it be rude to deny your mate’s sister a night in the sack with you, there’s never going to be a better opportunity to get one up on the prick. Just think, every time he begins to write you off in front of a bangin’ chick, you pull out your phone and threaten to show him a picture of his sister in a compromising position. When you've blown every last cent at the pub and want one last beer – out comes the photo. Dude, get the thing laminated and take it out in the salt with you, then when you want the next bomb, no problems, out comes the photo again. If your mate gets the shits, he's a douche. He doesn’t have to like it, but let’s face it, his sister’s only human, and if she’s DTF then she’s going to get it somewhere – it might as well be someone he knows will treat her right. If you’re not going to treat her right, then that makes you a cock and his sister a dickhead for not seeing through your bullshit, which probably gives your mate the right to kick your teeth in. Although, who needs teeth when you’ve got nude photos of your mate’s sister?!
Riptide Magazine is a bi-monthly publication based in Australia that has been bringing bodyboarding to the world for the past 21 years. If you’re a bodyboarder, chances are Riptide is just like you; motivated by the ocean, inspired by creative arts like photography, design and music, and living always for travel and fresh experiences. Come ride with us - Subscribe HERE.
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Comments
Do I sacrifice riding waves for money that I make at this store I work at? My weekend surf sessions are no more, I work every weekend without fail. My manager doesn't listen to my cries and tears about rostering me on in the week. I miss the freedom that I used to have. Where do I go from here Koots?!
Mate, your an inspiration to everyone who boggers, and who doesn't. Keep charging and look forward to seeing you up here again, plus could always do with more than two boogers in this whole country!!!
Not only has the mighty Viking Koot's slain many dragons, He has also sent the seal population sky rocketing here in iceland since he came through raping and plundering..